far away, peering in

Old Memories.

Back in junior high, I had this crush on a girl (::gasp:: a girl) named Lisa (name changed).  I wasn’t really sexually aroused by her; it was more of a fascination thing.  She was really skinny, had a cute voice, and played volleyball and soccer.  She was more butch than me.

Today I thought about her and wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with her.  I guess in a heterosexual relationship, I’m supposed to be the dominant, protective one.  If I worked out and developed some muscles, I can perhaps pull off that part.

I further delved into this hypothetical scenario.

I imagined going panty shopping with her at Victoria’s Secret.  I’m definitely not a fan of lace or anything frilly.  (And before anyone asks, no, I have no inclination to try on women’s underwear or lingerie.)

But could I truly love a female?

Maybe.  But as of now, it’s really just a fantasy I want to play out to be normal and accepted in society and church.

I’d be happier with a man, but I still have this nagging feeling that homosexual relationships are against God’s word.

But what female would want to be with a guy who’s attracted to other guys?


July 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

All Things Are Possible.

Back when I was a freshman in college (4 years ago), I listened to this song and prayed that God may change me. I mean, He can do the impossible, right? But I realized the point of the song is that all things are possible, but God will not grant all things, even if we think it’s for our own good.

July 21, 2007 Posted by | Music, Thoughts | Leave a comment


I’m still not accustomed to WordPress. But I learned how to approve comments today. If only I can change the template to something dazzling, yet serene, that would be great.


On every Christian forum I go, there’s a topic on homosexuality, so naturally, I butt in. Well, the other day, one of the lovely fundamentalists told me I’m oppressed by demons and that I need to take care of that pronto. I learned long ago you can’t pray the gay out of you, unless God grants a miracle. This is why I fear going to church – the image of people conducting an exorcism on me, when in fact I know “the gay” isn’t a result of demonic forces trying to take my soul away. I believe in Jesus, and I always will. I thanked them for their concern and never went back to that forum.

There was the typical “You’re a liar because even women think women’s bodies are beautiful”.

And “If homosexuality isn’t a choice, then how come I know a former gay man who is happily married?”


I don’t know if I’m supposed to embrace or suppress my sexuality. Some say God is love, others say following Jesus and taking up the cross mean denying ourselves. Both seem logical and right. I don’t know what to do.

July 21, 2007 Posted by | Thoughts | Leave a comment

You Are Holy (Prince of Peace).

There’s a part in the song where guys and girls sing different lyrics. I always liked the female lyrics better.

I will sing to
And worship
The King who is worthy
I will love and adore Him
And I will bow down before Him
And I will sing to and worship the King who is worthy
And I will love and adore Him
And I will bow down before Him

You are Lord of lords
You are King of kings
You are mighty God
Lord of everything

You’re Emanuel
You’re the great “I AM”
You’re the Prince of peace
Who is the Lamb

You’re the Living God
You’re my saving grace
You will reign forever
You are Ancient of Days

You’re the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end
You’re my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and friend

It has nothing to do with gender; I just like the lyrics better.

July 10, 2007 Posted by | Music | 1 Comment

Hello World.

I decided to start this blog because I am opinionated and want people to ruminate over my thoughts. I am used to Blogger but decided to switch to WordPress so I can experience first-hand what the fuss is all about. I definitely need to get used to the layout, but hopefully, the look of the blog will become more serene and functional, as I learn to tinker with the template.

Far away, peering in. What does that mean? I never really fit in at any church, always feeling different and separate. It doesn’t help that I have same-gender attractions and that many people think I can pray this “disorder” out of me. So I’m kind of standing in the distance looking into the Christian community, never really belonging, but my faith is in Christ as my personal Savior, just like any other Christian. Deep inside, I want to belong and be just like everyone else, but alas, I have an alternate route to take home.

I was raised in a Christian home, but my childhood was far from ideal. It still causes me pain when I think about it, but eventually I will let go of my past. I went to church every Sunday until I started college. Throughout my college years, I attended church services voluntarily twice. Looking back, I wish I could have done things differently. There were numerous student Christian groups, but again, I just felt different from them. (I’m sure it’s self-induced paranoia, but it’s hard to change how your mind thinks.) Instead of continuing my walk with God, I indulged in homosexual behavior. I had sexual encounters with numerous men, including one married man. I felt awful of course, asked for forgiveness, and went right back to going online to look for casual sexual encounters.

Through God’s grace, I have found Him again. I realize I will never become heterosexual, but I have elected celibacy. I don’t know why God has allowed me to have attractions to the same gender, and I don’t know why I’m not allowed to share my life with someone, but I am willing to live a life of solitude if need be.

I don’t mean to be such a downer. I promise I will have happier posts!

July 10, 2007 Posted by | Thoughts | 2 Comments