far away, peering in

Hello World.

I decided to start this blog because I am opinionated and want people to ruminate over my thoughts. I am used to Blogger but decided to switch to WordPress so I can experience first-hand what the fuss is all about. I definitely need to get used to the layout, but hopefully, the look of the blog will become more serene and functional, as I learn to tinker with the template.

Far away, peering in. What does that mean? I never really fit in at any church, always feeling different and separate. It doesn’t help that I have same-gender attractions and that many people think I can pray this “disorder” out of me. So I’m kind of standing in the distance looking into the Christian community, never really belonging, but my faith is in Christ as my personal Savior, just like any other Christian. Deep inside, I want to belong and be just like everyone else, but alas, I have an alternate route to take home.

I was raised in a Christian home, but my childhood was far from ideal. It still causes me pain when I think about it, but eventually I will let go of my past. I went to church every Sunday until I started college. Throughout my college years, I attended church services voluntarily twice. Looking back, I wish I could have done things differently. There were numerous student Christian groups, but again, I just felt different from them. (I’m sure it’s self-induced paranoia, but it’s hard to change how your mind thinks.) Instead of continuing my walk with God, I indulged in homosexual behavior. I had sexual encounters with numerous men, including one married man. I felt awful of course, asked for forgiveness, and went right back to going online to look for casual sexual encounters.

Through God’s grace, I have found Him again. I realize I will never become heterosexual, but I have elected celibacy. I don’t know why God has allowed me to have attractions to the same gender, and I don’t know why I’m not allowed to share my life with someone, but I am willing to live a life of solitude if need be.

I don’t mean to be such a downer. I promise I will have happier posts!

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July 10, 2007 - Posted by | Thoughts

2 Comments »

  1. Downer nothing! It’s great to know I’m not the only person out there going through this sort of stuff. I know I’m not alone.

    As for fitting in at church, the only person at mine who knows I struggle with my sexuality is my preacher. Thing is, since I told him, our relationship has deteriorated. I just feel so awkward around him, and vice versa I’d imagine, and so it’s just inevitably made me feel so distanced from himand several others at church. I don’t feel like I belong sometimes. And why should I, or you, if we’ve been rejected or misunderstood simply because someone wouldn’t take the time to get to know us and accept us as Christ accepts us?

    There is something I’d like to ask you. Could it be that God allowed you to be gay simply so that you’d have a reason to turn to Him, and to understand and appreciate more fully His gift of salvation? That’s what I try to think about. And I see how that’s true. In my own struggles with this issue, I’ve had to turn to God and rely upon Him quite a lot. It’s made me hold onto God with everything I’ve got. If I didn’t have this struggle, that might not be the case. Just food for thought.

    God bless.

    Comment by Brandon | July 13, 2007 | Reply

  2. I think being gay can give us compassion for those that are on the fringes of society. And it does make me cling on to God more because if I were straight, I’d probably just live my life how I want to, without thinking about the needy, the sick, and the poor.

    Comment by farawaypeeringin | July 21, 2007 | Reply


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